Conversations - Active or Passive?
Posted on Jan 14th, 2007
by 
ROb
ROb
It's late, and I haven't stretched my bloggin' bones in a while, but I felt the inspiration and now I'm here - great!
It's all Shelly's fault; she has a great new blog about the lessons in perspective that she's learned, and how they came through in a conversation with a gifted girl at a mall makeup counter. Check it out!
Shelly's blog gave a strange itch in the back'a my mind, because it reminded me of a little project of mine, that I think I've let slip: working on my role in a conversation.
I've been riding the bus a lot lately, going to school; there's been some blizzards and chances for spontaneous-stranger-community to pop up all around, so I've had a chance to analyze how I act when talking with others. You know what I've noticed that I tend to do? Agree with everyone; about everything.
I don't know how it came about, thinking back it's something I've always done; probably another habit rooted from times of lacking self-esteem. Maybe it has to do with an overun of empathy? I do tend to get wrapped up in other's perspectives quite the easily - seeing their way of looking at things and completely blanking out my own. What I do know, is that all too often I find my self nodding my head during a conversation, only to shake it later. What's to do with that?
I first noticed this a couple'a months back. I was on my way into a super market, and got hit up by two men who were "selling" ornaments of some kind for dontations; fundraising for their church. Now, it's a whole other story on why I never give in to these sorts of things, so I politely said no and kept walking. They pushed me a little bit, but then I just had to be a little firmer and they smiled and started to walk on towards this other fellow that was making his way towards the store. I didn't expect it, but the man started bellowing at me.
"Hey, what do they want! What are they trying!" He was talking to me, apparently making it obvious to the fundraisers that he wasn't interested.
"Oh, I don't know. Money for a church or something." I tried to be friendly as the man increased his pace from behind, now striding next to me. I didn't know what to expect, especially when the conversation was forced on.
"That just makes me sick! I'm sick of everyone trying to get MY money. It's like a virus! A god damn virus!" He was harumphing and shaking his head, sometimes glancing over as if he were scolding the two men who were now hurriedly making their escape.
And what do I say? "Haha...uh yeah, yeah it's getting crazy these days isn't it." Not sure on what to say - I just agreed.
"Like a virus!" he just kept saying out loud as he followed behind me into a store. Getting a little nervous, I just kinda smiled and nodded my head. Then, right when I was turning off his path to head towards the isle I was looking for, it hit me. What am I doing? Agreeing that people raising money for a church are "like a virus?" This is an opportunity to say something.
"Uh, hey man - they're just trying to raise money - it was for their church."
The man paused for a moment. "Yeah. I know. I shouldn't let it bother me, but..." the calm was over and he was back to being worked-up "But it does! Ahhh!" then he turned towards his own isle of destination and kept walking, shaking his head.
So, my project that I've let slip, is taking a more active role in conversations with strangers. I've been exposed to all sorts of them these days, coversations and strangers, and I do know that many are made for that passive ear on a bad day or whatever. But others? Others, I'm not so sure about.
I'm seeing that I'm a part of so many different exchanges each day - it seems like an excellent gateway to getting a little more positivity in the world.
And I've failed latley. There was a person in a long late-night (at the same super market, come to think of it) who was working her self up about how rediculous it was that we all had to wait so long. Where were all the cashiers? The manager just saving money on wages, making us pay with Our time? She was in a tissy about it and all the rest of us in the line had that wide-eyed understanding as we looked around at each other - but you know what we all did when she bounced her ranting off of us? We all nodded, and agreed. I feel bad for the checker now, a lone soldier in enemy territory. And...and I dunno.
Like I said, it's late, i'm blurry-eyed and rambling.
Really, all this started from the question "Wow, I wonder what Shelly said back to her mall-makeup-counter girl?" And then the question, "what would I have said?" Then I realized what I would've done: probably nodded my head and agreed.
I gotta remember to work on that.
It's all Shelly's fault; she has a great new blog about the lessons in perspective that she's learned, and how they came through in a conversation with a gifted girl at a mall makeup counter. Check it out!
Shelly's blog gave a strange itch in the back'a my mind, because it reminded me of a little project of mine, that I think I've let slip: working on my role in a conversation.
I've been riding the bus a lot lately, going to school; there's been some blizzards and chances for spontaneous-stranger-community to pop up all around, so I've had a chance to analyze how I act when talking with others. You know what I've noticed that I tend to do? Agree with everyone; about everything.
I don't know how it came about, thinking back it's something I've always done; probably another habit rooted from times of lacking self-esteem. Maybe it has to do with an overun of empathy? I do tend to get wrapped up in other's perspectives quite the easily - seeing their way of looking at things and completely blanking out my own. What I do know, is that all too often I find my self nodding my head during a conversation, only to shake it later. What's to do with that?
I first noticed this a couple'a months back. I was on my way into a super market, and got hit up by two men who were "selling" ornaments of some kind for dontations; fundraising for their church. Now, it's a whole other story on why I never give in to these sorts of things, so I politely said no and kept walking. They pushed me a little bit, but then I just had to be a little firmer and they smiled and started to walk on towards this other fellow that was making his way towards the store. I didn't expect it, but the man started bellowing at me.
"Hey, what do they want! What are they trying!" He was talking to me, apparently making it obvious to the fundraisers that he wasn't interested.
"Oh, I don't know. Money for a church or something." I tried to be friendly as the man increased his pace from behind, now striding next to me. I didn't know what to expect, especially when the conversation was forced on.
"That just makes me sick! I'm sick of everyone trying to get MY money. It's like a virus! A god damn virus!" He was harumphing and shaking his head, sometimes glancing over as if he were scolding the two men who were now hurriedly making their escape.
And what do I say? "Haha...uh yeah, yeah it's getting crazy these days isn't it." Not sure on what to say - I just agreed.
"Like a virus!" he just kept saying out loud as he followed behind me into a store. Getting a little nervous, I just kinda smiled and nodded my head. Then, right when I was turning off his path to head towards the isle I was looking for, it hit me. What am I doing? Agreeing that people raising money for a church are "like a virus?" This is an opportunity to say something.
"Uh, hey man - they're just trying to raise money - it was for their church."
The man paused for a moment. "Yeah. I know. I shouldn't let it bother me, but..." the calm was over and he was back to being worked-up "But it does! Ahhh!" then he turned towards his own isle of destination and kept walking, shaking his head.
So, my project that I've let slip, is taking a more active role in conversations with strangers. I've been exposed to all sorts of them these days, coversations and strangers, and I do know that many are made for that passive ear on a bad day or whatever. But others? Others, I'm not so sure about.
I'm seeing that I'm a part of so many different exchanges each day - it seems like an excellent gateway to getting a little more positivity in the world.
And I've failed latley. There was a person in a long late-night (at the same super market, come to think of it) who was working her self up about how rediculous it was that we all had to wait so long. Where were all the cashiers? The manager just saving money on wages, making us pay with Our time? She was in a tissy about it and all the rest of us in the line had that wide-eyed understanding as we looked around at each other - but you know what we all did when she bounced her ranting off of us? We all nodded, and agreed. I feel bad for the checker now, a lone soldier in enemy territory. And...and I dunno.
Like I said, it's late, i'm blurry-eyed and rambling.
Really, all this started from the question "Wow, I wonder what Shelly said back to her mall-makeup-counter girl?" And then the question, "what would I have said?" Then I realized what I would've done: probably nodded my head and agreed.
I gotta remember to work on that.
Access: PublicTagged with: conversations, strangers
conversations
May 2007
What a great blog, ROb - and a great intention. It's easy to forget that each interaction is meaningful and could potentially change the world. Even writing that is a little mind-blowing. ;-)
I really acknowledge you for your awareness of your own actions, and the intention to actively participate moving forward. After all, the goal isn't necessarily to be in alignment with what we know to do 24/7, but to catch ourselves more quickly and frequently when we're not, shortening the amount of time it takes us to get back on track.
You're doing great, and you're an inspiration to us all! Thanks!!!
Man! I always do that! hehe. (maybe I am just agreeing with you for the sake of agreeing? hiehie) I have never thought of it that way. I definitely understand what you mean, though. Thank you for making me aware of this. I always tend to choose the route of least resistance in those types of situations. I will be concentrating and working on this too. ;-)
ROb, what a pleasant surprise to see an entry from you! It's been way too long. Thanks for the smile.
Many times I just automatically agree to be polite. Maybe the initiator - the person speaking out loud, notices something we have in common and thus, says something to bring us together. Maybe he is assuming we are all thinking the same thing. You know what happens when we assume!
It's tough to be conscious about things that happen so abruptly, but I commend you on noticing and trying to change your response. It will raise others' awareness levels too. When an unexpected response is received, it causes an acute alarm in me. I know I definitely analyze things more when someone says something I wasn't expecting.
So basically, I think you're onto something. What a great way to bring about change! Do you mind if I try this too? It will be a great experiment!
Hey….. I was just perusing Zaadz friends and noticed you wrote a blog!!! And a quite fine one I might add. Your writings always have a way of taking me visually and emotionally right to the same place the story originates from…..ie: I feel like I am right there with you and learning the same lessons. That is a gift I tell ya!
I have to say your project sure trumps the old “Don't talk to strangers” thing that we used to be taught as children. The “speak your truth with kindness” approach lends for so much more growth from all who are involved. Thanks for taking your late night hours to pen such inspiration!
We are human beings. A creature wanting to make connections with the world around us. We agree because we want to feel connected. But you can disagree and still be connected. Always speak with a smile. Hear what the other person is saying, validate what they said to you and then speak your mind. I forget who said this but it was a wise thing.. 90% of what other people tell you is BS you dont agree with, look towards that 10% and use it.. And Rob I dont think you failing at all.. Your trying.. You only fail when you give up. There is greatness in all of US rob.. Just takes time to see it at times..